Welcome to my joke page #2
The following jokes were acquired from Leon Sodeyfi
I've put a link to his page on my page called "Friends"
Hope you enjoy his site ...
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You
/ I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help
men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken- scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from
a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed
to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man
can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line."
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail..........etc.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out
of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his
mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have
pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Brain and Useless.
.... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognise
that 7-11 store."
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalisers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state
of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always
end up taking better pictures.
Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer.
received from Sam von Eck, Pretoria, South Africa
A Story About Racism
(THIS WAS PASSED TO ME AS A TRUE STORY)
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down Madam? The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person." So, the attendant turned to the black man sitting next to her and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your first class seat ready for you..." At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walks up to the front of the plane!
"So powerful is the light of unity that it can illuminate the whole earth".
Please Show appreciation .. Sign My Guest Book!